More Jokes

[Greg]

Subject: SABBATH SEX



A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure
if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive
search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "Outside of young boys, what does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to minister... a married man, experienced.for the answer.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not
for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of
thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely
play.

The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell
me sex is work?!"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work...my wife would have the
housekeeper do it."

[Greg]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[Ditto]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk replies; "Tits."

[HappyWestonian]

FIRST BLONDE JOKE OF 2005

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening,
looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther away,
Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooo... Can you see
Florida from here?"

[happydad]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk replies; "Tits."

Funny.

[Greg]

Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Minnesota. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and
then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as
more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

[MetFan]

Men strike back!


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

[MetFan]

Before, i get nasty responses...Remember...it is just a joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[happydad]

Subject: Secrets of a happy marriage

Secrets of a happy marriage
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop....but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar...you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP ASSHOLE ! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS AINT GOING TO A FUCKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT ASSHOLE?"

and, they lived happily ever after.

[Greg]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."



"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"



"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"



"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"



"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.

[BigW]

An operations manager for "Jack in the Box" was late for a meeting and
called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was leaving the voice
mail message, he witnessed a car accident and went on to provide a "play by
play" of the incident. THIS IS ACTUAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE. It was forwarded
so many times within "Jack in the Box", it crashed their voice mail server.
http://home.swbell.net/kf5tv/voicemail.mp3[URL]

[Steve]

That is hysterical !!!!

[d-o-b]

LMAO!!! I can imagine the guy laughing and holding the phone!!!

[jzt]

Oh God - I couldn't stop laughing. My mascara is messed up now.

[Yogamom]

Good one BigW, I passed it on.