More Jokes

[rogelah]

Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, both die, and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them, 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves!'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off.

The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan, or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and

Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'

[billuscher]

Now that is funny!!!!!

[Greg]

A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.



Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.



10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.



10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.



10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.



10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

[rogelah]

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Peyton" said God.
"This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here." Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a black & gold sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Steeler flag and in every window a Terrible Towel.
Peyton looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro quarterback, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said, "So what's your point Peyton?"
"Well, why does Ben Roethlisberger get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said, "Peyton, that's not Ben's house, it's mine."

[Steve]

A blonde wife decided to paint the livingroom while her husband was at work. The husband gets home and finds his wife lying on the floor in a puddle of sweat. The husband says to his wife "Darling why are you so sweaty and out of breathe?". The blond replies "When I prepared to paint the room I read the directions on the can and it said to Apply Two Coats".

[Greg]

here is a toe tapper.

http://www.planetvids.com/crazy-vide...ngs-the-blues/

[Steve]

Lindsey Vonn won the Olympic Gold Medal for Alpine Sking of the USA .....
The Olympic Commitee soon disqualified her saying that
President Obama has been going downhill much faster.....

[Greg]

Lindsey Vonn won the Olympic Gold Medal for Alpine Sking of the USA .....
The Olympic Commitee soon disqualified her saying that
President Obama has been going downhill much faster.....

That's funny.

[tinlizzie]

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion..

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make loveto your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again,
they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly..."You see, you schmuck, THAT'S the way you wave a towel!"

[khill444444]

That is hilarious!

[Steve]

In the footsteps of Japanese legends GODZILLA, RODAN and MOTHRA we have the next great destructive monster wreaking havoc - beware the......... PRIUS!!!!!!!

[Greg]

PSALM 2009

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog .....
And Obama was a tree.
G.T is online now Add to G.T's Reputation Report Post Edit/Delete Message

[Steve]

A guy goes into Publix and goes to the produce department. Says to a kid working there "I need a half a head of lettuce". The kid tells him "We don't sell half heads of lettuce, only whole heads". The guy is insistive so the kid says "I'll go talk to the manager". The kid goes up to the manager and says "Some asshole over there wants to buy a half head of lettuce". He then realizes the guy is standing right behind him so he adds ".. and this guy kindly offered to buy the other half".

When the guy leaves the manager says to the kid "I like the way you handled that. You're a quick thinker. Where are you from" The kid replies "I'm from Kentucky". So the manager asks him why he moved to South Florida. The kid says "Only whores and basketball players come from Kentucky". The manager says "My wife is from Kentucky". Without skipping a beat the kid replies "Oh really, what team does she play on"....

[Steve]

As told to me this week by Deepak Chopra (seriously):

There was an old man that died and went to hell. The devil was showing him around, the old man sees another guy in his 90's arm in arm with a beautiful girl of 22 years of age. The old man looks at the devil and said, wow it doesn't seem too bad around here. The girl pipes up and says "That's easy for you to say...".

Deepak then pointed out that life depends on how you look at it.

[tinlizzie]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 40+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, black thong, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The Mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, thong, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black thong, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"